Q: My husband and I married in our early 40s, and we both had never been married. We thought our marriage would be successful, but apparently we were wrong. Now after seven years of marriage, we are both unhappy and he hardly speaks to me anymore. We still share the same bed, but he does not touch me. For several months, I have tried to get him to open up. I still love and respect my husband. Although we have not spoken of divorce, I suspect it is looming in his mind. What should I do?
A: Many marriages break down due to a lack of communication. Shutting down can occur over a period of time when one or both partners are not willing to face confrontation. It is interesting that as non-perfect humans we can rationalize our actions without making an honest appraisal as to why we are doing what we do.
Silence on his part is a method of maintaining control. The partner who cares less about resolving the other person's problems is the boss. First try approaching him calmly without raising your voice and tell him you have written him a letter which explains your reasons for being unhappy.
In your letter, tell him point by point why you love him and that you would like to continue as husband and wife. No criticism in the letter please! Leave it on his pillow and ask him to respond in writing.
If he does not respond, tell him you plan to make an appointment with a marriage counselor and you would like him to join you. Your plan may jolt him into action and force him to open up. If he refuses, go alone.
Depending upon your counselor's advice, you may be faced with making some major decisions, as will he. Hopefully by this time, you will have made your point strongly enough that he will realize if he wants to be your partner, he'd better start talking! Good luck.
Q: My doctor says I have a major health problem and he needs to schedule an appointment for my operation as soon as possible. I accept his opinion and will do so. However, I have two loving miniature poodles that I consider my children. I am new to the area and I will need to find a good kennel for them. I don't have family or friends who can care for them. I seem to worry more about the proper care of my dogs more than I worry about my operation. How should I handle the situation?
A: We all get attached to our pets and feel extremely responsible for them. Ask someone who is walking his or her dog in your neighborhood to recommend a local kennel.
Next, make an appointment with the vet to inspect the facilities and get an idea of how their personnel handles the animals. This will make you feel better. If the dogs need shots, teeth cleaning or other routine health maintenance, schedule it while you are gone. Some kennels will allow you to bring in a few of their favorite toys. If possible, provide the food they regularly like to eat. Ask how frequent they exercise your pets. Assure the vet that you will take care of whatever health expenses that may become necessary. As a new client, he or she may ask for a deposit or credit card number.
You will need to buy two pet carriers for rides in the car. Most pet stores sell a variety of pet carriers. Choose carriers that attach to a seat belt connection. Do not attach the belt to your pet's collar because in the event of an accident, your pet would choke. Place the carriers on the rear floor so the dogs won't distract you. Go for a practice run.
It will be a very happy reunion when you pick your dogs up at the kennels. Get ready for some big barks and kisses!
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Doug Mayberry lives in a retirement community in Southern California. Send your questions to him at deardoug@msn.com or write to him at P.O. Box 2649, Carlsbad, CA 92018.
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